There once were 2 children named Lizzie and Joel who wandered into the mysterious dark forest that no one dared to enter. These kids were like no other – these kids were dare devils. They would do anything. Suddenly the kids found something – a historical structure. The structure’s bolts holding it together were rusting. Suddenly they saw a rusty lock on the door. “A lock!” shouted Lizzie.
“Ugh how do we get in?”said Joel.
“HOW AM I MEANT TO KNOW!”shouted Lizzie.
“jeez!”Joel shouted. They saw a code engraved on the wall it read 9162. Lizzie said, “Let’s try that,”.Lizzie entered “9162”.
A voice giggled then the door creaked open. They entered then they were never seen again…
Your piece had me on the edge of my seat. I could feel some tension building between the characters when Lizzie shouted at Joel. I like how you mixed in both narration and conversation to move the story along.
Keep writing.
Mrs. G., Team 100, Guilderland, NY, USA